So I just graduated from sleepless nights, worrying from the inevitable reflux, breastfeeding issues, and my life is no longer ruled by naps. Basically, things have settled into a nice routine and it was all running smoothly.
And then there it was. 2 small but vivid lines, in less than a minute.
I ran fast towards my little boy whose eyes were then glued to the screen, but he looked at me and smiled as I came to hug him tight. He stared for a minute and I knew he was weirded out with my sudden jolt; my eyes were welling up and I can’t mutter a single word. Instead of pushing me or turning away from his then weird and teary eyed nanay, he pointed his finger and showed me the fire truck he’s watching.
I swear he’s so good at changing the subject esp when he did something wrong. I guess this time, he knew something was wrong with nanay.
It went on for days, weeks even; pregnancy hormones can really strike you hard. And when it's coupled with a toddler who all of a sudden became more clingy, needy, and acts out every chance he gets, trust me, it's a true test of character and you've been warned.
They say toddler regression is all part of the process, and I wish there's a way I could let him know that hey, nanay is freaking out too. Our world is about to revolve around this new orbit and this change makes me so damn scared.
I drowned in my pregnancy blues that I sometimes forget this is a special milestone to celebrate.
#momguilt - I feel guilty for not reading aloud, for not listening to classical music, for forgetting to take my prenatal vitamins and taking weekly bumpdates like I did with my first pregnancy, with Atlas. And to be fair, I used my pregnancy exhaustion as an excuse to refuse horsing around with my toddler. Can you believe that? These things only require the least effort and attention, and yet, I'm utterly failing.
Now I question myself, how can I fulfill the role as big as being a mom of two; loving them equally and splitting my heart for the rest of my days?
The questions seem never-ending. The doubts translate to panic attacks and moodswings.
Will I be able to love and adore this baby just as much?
How will I prepare Atlas for the new baby?
Will he understand he has to share attention?
How will he cope with the changes?
How will I make it through the sleep deprivation and still make time for play and snuggle?
Will this new family dynamics add up or strain our marital bliss?
One newborn, one toddler, a husband, and a household: In a rose-tinted glasses way these all seemed adorable, but in the grand scheme of motherhood, it is damn terrifying.
I'm already so happy and inlove with being a family of three: Us three next to each other as we call it a day, sandwiching Atlas in between cuddles and plays.
There’s no way I will be ready for this to change.
And then I look at Atlas. I was left to convince myself, pray, and believe that His timing is always perfect, because it always is. After all, I know in my heart that He entrusted us to raise a real great kid; and guess what? He's trusting us with one more.
For whatever sort of miracle, I was assured how I’d be able to endure everything and give all of me to him, and to little A.
Fast forward to 20 weeks; post all-day sickness and fatigue. I figured, it's true what they say,
"you will forget you're pregnant until week 37".
Sure. I'm too busy making scenes just to make Atlas eat the last spoon from his dinner plate, or chasing him for nappy change and all the mischiefs he's running around for. But come down time, when I'm too exhausted to watch and wait for him to settle, he'd wake me up with a gentle kiss and whisper:
"Kiss tummy nanay. Kiss little baby."
**cue ugly crying
In a few months, this special time with just us two is over. And I happy sob at the idea of Atlas becoming the greatest kuya to our little A.
I will never be ready for that. I don't think anyone will ever be.
And maybe that’s the beauty of it all;
the uncertainties and the big leaps;
the worries, doubts, and possibilities;
and the certainty that it will all be beautiful..worth it..and priceless.
Photos by Ralph Lee Photography
#motherhood #babynumbertwo #secondpregnancy #newmomagain #thehappynow #iwillnotrushyou #momlife #momlifeunplugged #pursuepretty #mybeautifulmess #prettylittlething #flashesofdelight #treasuringlittlememories #littleadventures #amomentinmotherhood