To My First-Born, A Real Life Compass

I’m looking at your face so closely as I rock you slowly,

gently.


Oh how I missed this scene.


This used to be our thing for 2 years. Except these days you're bigger and heavier and there’s arguing, bargaining, and making amends involved.


We haven’t done this for a while. Your tatay took charge of lulling you to sleep since we found out you are going to be a big brother.

Since then we knew things are going to change so much about our family dynamics.

And I’m no fan of change.


We have transitioned so much in the past 2 years, but now that we’ve finally found a routine that’s so comfortable to us, life needs to shake things up again.


It scares me.


How I’ve grown so fond of watching you and memorizing the 63,124 quirky things that make you who you are.

You have grown so wonderfully and blessed our lives with immense love and happiness.

You have made us look at things differently and allowed us to see them in such amazing light.

The past 31 months with you have been the best days of my life,

but in a matter of 2 weeks, it won't be just the three of us like it has been..


and our lives will be different.


It excites me, but I also feel terrified.

I’m scared I will miss the way we are.

Worried I might give you less of me.


I can almost choke on the thought of seeing you but not being able to feed, play, or cradle you like I used to every single day.


I am already longing for the times we spend together, just you and me.

Running around, playing toy cars, watching your favorite shows, and just letting the days slip away like nothing else matters.


Seeing all these in hindsight gives me a roller coaster of emotions that I can't process.

But then I look at your sweet innocent face, in my arms, and my heart suddenly felt at peace.


We can do this together;

You, me and your tatay.

We’re going to share the life we built together with a new love and that's going to make things even better for our family.


I know your heart so well and it makes me swell with happiness knowing that you are going to multiply the love you filled our home with, just like what you did when you came.


And this time around with this little brother of yours, we’re given a privilege of having another little soul to love, raise, and enjoy.


It’s a gift I can't wait to unwrap with you.

But until then my little boy,

the days are ours,

and we’ll make the kisses, playtimes,

and tantrums count as much as we can.


We’ll take time to enjoy these slow, sweet moments of life until the day comes when we have a new love to share this crazy and beautiful world we made together.


love always,

nanay

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