Today, You lost it
It may be the nth time for the day that instead of turning away and counting one to ten, you flipped out and raised your voice, or even took the offensive.
And you feel defeated.
You used to be his bestfriend;
his peace and comfort; play and adventure.
You spend days exploring the world together,
waving bye bye to every airplane,
naming cars, things, and colors outside
Or just staying in, watching the trains from afar
and making YouTube part of your daily routine.
And then one day your roles had to change. You had gone from being your son’s playmate and partner in everything to the strict parent who
won’t let him jump on the bed;
hurries to finish the last spoon;
gets mad when he’s peed his undies;
insist on bed time and gets angry when he asks for more play time
You feel your chest tightened thinking about those moments
How they could have been teachable and then memorable
and how you have failed to recognize them because you lost your temper
and it feels like a physical pain when you wonder whether you’d ever have that again
because deep inside you're just longing for a wholehearted moment - like what you used to have with him.
You know that going down this "life with a newborn" road again will mean less of you and him;
you know how much it will drain you physically, mentally and emotionally;
and you know that the only way you can give all you have for both is by giving up some things even if you don't want to.
But you didnt know how bad momguilt can get until you’re caught up in a 1.5-2 hr increment pacing from toddler to newborn only to get both of them need you at the same time, and you wish you can split yourself in two;
until you blew up because you're exhausted and frustrated
and you feel inadequate for not being able to meet their needs.
Right now, all these hard days make your heart hurt
and it makes you question if you are good enough or if youre doing the right thing,
and you want to feel validated.
But the days will keep on getting messy and complicated and frustrating as you find your footing in this new life as a family of four.
No matter how much you think you prepared yourself for the worst of tantrums or for days filled with emotionally-charged melt downs, there's no guarantee you won't lose it again.
So forgive yourself.
Keep Trucking along.
Embrace the holy madness.
Things are rocky and shaky and some days you think you can’t handle it anymore,
but right now, this is all you have.
And you know life couldn't get any wonderful, and happy, and joyful
than seeing that sparkle in your little ones' eyes as you call it a day.
That moment can be your biggest win today, mama.
Cheers to you! You are damn amazing..